Al-Qaeda and Assad loyalists locked in new conflict over who hates the US more
DAMASCUS: With Barack Obama pushing for military response to the Syrian’s government’s alleged chemical weapons violations, a fresh turf war has now erupted on the streets of Damascus as rival factions on each side looks to prove it is they who hate the US more.
Describing themselves as the ‘original US haters’, Al-Qaeda operatives fighting against president Bashar al-Assad have pointed to their long history of animosity towards America.
“Listen right, we’ve been there right from the very start, at the very forefront of hating on the West,” said al-Qaeda spokesman Lucy Barnes, urging doubters too look at the terrorist group’s track record. “Al-Qaeda has its very roots in bringing about the destruction of yankee pigdogs, so it’s absolute cr*p for anyone to say their loathing of America is greater than ours.”
But facing the growing threat of an America-led bombing campaign, forces loyal to president Bashar al-Assad have been asserting themselves as the new international face of US animosity.
“These animals want to attack us, ok? So anyone who says we don’t hate America as much just don’t know sh*t,” said deputy Syrian foreign minister Faisal Burke, revealing a crude tattoo of what he says is Ronald McDonald being hanged. “I mean, I’ve been detesting them for decades. I went on holiday to Iran just to burn US flags. That was 1985.”
Experts have suggested that the imminent US attack against Syria could well weaken al-Qaeda’s position in global Western hate rankings. “Sure, they’ve been up at the top of their game for what seems like a generation. Nobody can deny them that,” said Reny DuChamps, head of the Middle East Conflict Research Bureau. “But I can’t see them hanging onto the crown for much longer. After all, the enemy of my enemy is my friend, right?”
DuChamps called for al-Qaeda and the Syrian Republican Guard to compete in an ‘effigy burn-off’ to help find a solution. “It’s a very quick, simple method to calculate levels of revulsion,” he said.
As a result of these new tensions, US army chiefs fear being drawn into a group of death with these two fierce rivals.
“It’s a really tough draw… we’d much rather face extremist minnows from, say, Eritrea,” said US military analyst Randy Joe Jnr. “But we’ll obviously face whoever we’re paired with. Frankly, in the world of international terrorism, there really are no easy contests any more.”