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Al-Qaeda reveals corporate rebranding

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Al-Qaeda reveals corporate rebranding

Global terror group hopes to refocus on core values with new name: Terminus

Al-Qaeda's new corporate name derives from the Roman god of boundaries

Al-Qaeda’s new corporate name derives from the Roman god of boundaries

WAZIRISTAN: Al-Qaeda, the world’s leading militant Islamist organisation, today announced a complete corporate rebranding, unveiling a new name under which all its activities and departments will now operate: Terminus.

“The Al-Qaeda brand, while known and feared by millions, has lost its way in recent years,” said marketing manager Edward Al-Zahib in a live video link-up broadcast online. “While our affiliates and franchises across the Islamic Maghreb and Arabian Peninsula, along with splinter groups around the world, helped take our message to a wider audience, people were losing sight of what we really stand for. That’s why, as of today, Al-Qaeda becomes Terminus.”

“We’ll be continuing to offer unrivaled competencies in the fields of holy warfare, grainy videos and blowing ourselves up in public places. But under the Terminus name, we’ll be doing it with a clear mission and a new emphasis on our core values.”

On the group’s new brand, Al-Zahib explained: “The name ‘Terminus’ was used by the Romans for the god of boundaries. Boundaries have always been important to us – whether it’s the mountainous one between Pakistan and Afghanistan, or the rigorous ones that we want to impose on infidel dogs the world over. In short, it perfectly represents where we are today, as a global terror network.”

Marketing trendwatcher Linus O’Toole described the decision as a bold move.

“When you have brand recognition of almost 100 per cent, many would consider a change to be foolhardy, or even downright dangerous,” he said. “But like other maverick brands such as Red Bull and Apple, Al-Qaeda has never been afraid to take risks.”

The new identity – which features a logo designed by prestigious London agency Chrome Tw@ – was unveiled in a lavish ceremony held in an undisclosed cave location somewhere in northern Pakistan.

However, the move has been met with some dissenting voices within the extremist network.

“I still have a load of Al-Qaeda branded stationery which is going to be completely useless now,” complained radical Peshawar-based cleric Ahmed Al-Anwar.

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10 Comments

10 Comments

  1. W. E. Ranon

    May 22, 2013 at 5:11 am

    I really appreciate the move. It’s much easier now to distinguish the real bad guys from the freeloader. And I’m eagerly waiting for the IPO of Terminus now.

  2. George W. Bush

    May 22, 2013 at 6:23 am

    As an employee of Terminus, I find this article absurd and misleading in the global fight against terrorism.

  3. Haris

    May 22, 2013 at 6:24 am

    This being a place of satire, I’d have imagined a lot less propaganda suckup. Using used and abused terms such as “militant islamist org” and claiming them to be experts on “blowing themselves up”.. I don’t know- as funny as this may have come out, this article kind of leans toward popular media. Labeling the good and bad guys in a rather sublime manner.
    For everyday nonsense like these, I’d read regular newspapers. Not PAE.

  4. Alan Sunlotion

    May 22, 2013 at 8:51 am

    Haris – lighten up you numpty!

  5. UglyCamel

    May 22, 2013 at 9:22 am

    Love the London Agency – Chrome TW@

  6. Chris de Burj

    May 22, 2013 at 10:17 am

    I’ve been a suicide bomber for 30 years and this is all lies… it’s obviously been Photoshopped.

  7. Worried in Warqa

    May 22, 2013 at 1:49 pm

    Gosh! A brave move on both your parts.

  8. Don't tell them you name, Pike!

    May 23, 2013 at 6:00 am

    This story is MASSIVE!

    Tora Bora Massive!!

  9. Achmed

    May 23, 2013 at 4:18 pm

    Yes, but do we still get the 72 virgins at the end of it all or did they also get rebranded?

  10. cheeseontoast69

    June 10, 2013 at 11:38 am

    This is just another ‘Snickers’ and ‘Star Burst’ scenario. To many of us accross the civilised world, they will always be Marathon and Opal Fruits no matter what the manufacturer splatters over the packaging. ‘Terminus’…sounds like a bus station to me! Tickets please!

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