LIVE: Boris Johnson’s UAE visit

Johnson’s promotional bike ride around Dubai ended in disaster after he took the wrong exit and headed straight onto Sheikh Zayed Road.

Our reporters have been following London mayor Boris Johnson as he visits the UAE on a trade mission. Follow our up-to-the minute updates from his tour here.

DAY ONE

9.43am Arrives in Abu Dhabi

9.50am Falls over while disembarking plane. Gets up, waves to awaiting press, says he enjoyed his trip, ruffles schoolboy hair.

12.31pm Gives utterly incomprehensible, rambling speech to group of dignitaries about trade in which he refers to Abu Dhabi as ‘Abu Darby’ several hundred times, makes numerous reference to the London Olympics and says absolutely nothing of relevance.

14.43pm Meets business leaders. Accidentally sells them Buckingham Palace.

14.44pm Attempts to make up for selling Buckingham Palace by ruffling schoolboy hair and going ‘ah’ a lot.

16.02pm Successfully negotiates deal for Abu Dhabi investment in London by getting advisor to call mobile and using line ‘I’ve got Doha on the phone here’.

19.15pm Served camel for dinner. Joke about meal ‘being humpy’ makes nobody laugh.

DAY TWO

7.20am Goes for early morning dip in Gulf.

7.38am Accidentally strays into Iranian waters.

7.43am Following huge maritime rescue mission narrowly avoids major diplomatic incident.

12.15 Promotional bike ride around Dubai ends in disaster after Boris takes wrong exit and heads straight onto Sheikh Zayed Road.

13.40 Visits Ski Dubai. Cracks joke about getting stuck on chairlift.

13.43 Gets stuck on chairlift.

14.32 Still stuck on chairlift.

14.48 Conducts last meeting of trade mission while stuck on chairlift.

15.14 Heads to the beach to catch 30 minutes of sunshine.

17.30 Wakes up on beach with face like battered tomato. Ruffles schoolboy hair. Gets car to airport.