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The Pan-Arabia Enquirer

Brit finally leaves Dubai after 15 years of sheer hell

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Brit finally leaves Dubai after 15 years of sheer hell

Expat finally packs his bags after saying he would since 1998

DUBAI: A city breathed a collective sigh of relief today after Ian Peterson finally boarded a plane to England vowing never to return. Peterson, 45, a resident of Dubai for the past 15 years, was renowned throughout the emirate for his continuous complaining about life in the city of dreams, declaring on just day two, back in January 1998, that he had had enough and wanted to go home.

Since then, Peterson has enjoyed luxurious lifestyle living across a series of high-end beach-side villas and dined weekly at 7-star brunches, while continuing his campaign of blanket misery to anyone within earshot.

“I hate it here, it’s so shallow and superficial,” was apparently one of his popular comments, often said while lounging on a deckchair chomping on a cigar as his Filipino housemaid massaged his toes. “There’s no culture here and I just can’t get on with beef bacon,” was another.

“He seemed alright at first,” said a former friend. “But then the complaining started and you just couldn’t shut him up. Whether it was the price of beer at the Irish Village, the lack of English spoken by taxi drivers or the fact he had to stay up late to watch the football, life never seemed good enough for Ian.”

His Pakistani driver told The Pan-Arabia Enquirer that he repeatedly advised the disconsolate Brit that he could easily return to his home in Dorking, Surrey. “I told him that he could go back to his bedsit and resume his career as a unemployed waste disposal expert, but he insisted on staying in Dubai as CEO of Ostentatious Furnishings LLC, while living on a six-bedroom mansion in Jumeirah. Poor man, it really must have been unbearable for him,” said Abdul Smith. “Finally, after 15 years of this misery, he must have just snapped.”

A former colleague of Peterson’s at MegaDumpz in Dorking, Surrey said he was shocked at the news. “We’re really surprised,” said Barry McMahon. “All he ever did here was moan and then insisted on sending us postcards of his supposedly incredible life in Dubai. Poor guy.”

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27 Comments

27 Comments

  1. SammyG

    April 8, 2012 at 10:19 am

    I’m sure this was my wife also

  2. Dar

    September 25, 2012 at 7:47 am

    yes life in Dubai really is tumultuous… trying to get a booking for a spa treatment can take days… scheduling your Porsche for serviced and coordinating the return drop off is always a disruption to ones day.. it is such a challenge to squeeze in a weekday game of golf in between coffee mornings, and late afternoon lunch meetings.. its a constant irritation to have to wait in the cue to pay for your latest electronic gadget and new 52″ LCD TV.. What an annoyance it is to have to explain to the parking lot car-wash boy that you want extra polish on the tires and you are coming back in an hour after exchanging your Ralph Lauren polo shirt and having a coffee at the Aramani Cafe. OMG the times we have to open the window and let the cold AC out of our Mercedes SUV to instruct the gas-pump attendant to fill it up with Super and not to forget to wipe the widows clean.. YEs life is tooooooooo difficult in Dubai. Dont let me even get started on all the tax free income we have to manage here… 😉

  3. Jebel Ali Baba

    September 25, 2012 at 8:47 am

    Not to forget the weather…

  4. J Wood

    September 25, 2012 at 4:52 pm

    I would say thank goodness he has gone, good riddence to bad rubbish to borrow a phrase.
    Good luck to everyone in his home town of Dorking…. so sorry but he is returning to you.

  5. Roulah Labneh

    August 28, 2013 at 6:51 am

    GOOD IF YOU DONT LIKE IT GO HOME YOU STUIPD EX PAT

    • Expat4life

      August 28, 2013 at 8:23 am

      Says another expat lol

    • Anonymous

      September 14, 2013 at 2:22 pm

      I second that!

  6. Anonymous

    August 28, 2013 at 7:20 am

    Cannot believe how many people still don’t get the meaning of ‘satire’ perhaps PAE you could head you page with the definition of satire…….great story by the way…I promise never to complain ever again:-)

  7. Joe

    August 28, 2013 at 7:33 am

    This is funny. British ex-pats out there can’t have it both ways. Although on the other hand it’s also worth remembering that Dubai is genuinely a shithole and if they have any self-respect they should leave.

  8. Nick Haig

    August 28, 2013 at 7:46 am

    Oh Dear, Ian might well have been “STUIPD” but there’s no mention in the “satirical” article that he’s also illiterate Yanni !

  9. Anonymous

    August 28, 2013 at 8:01 am

    The underlying problem is the ongoing fascination with and admiration of the “White Expat” and how this region still considers them so much better than the slew of better suited and more assimilated options that are available.

    • Anonymous

      August 28, 2013 at 8:36 am

      Yes, you really can boil everything down to colour or race…… Fool

  10. Anonymous

    August 28, 2013 at 8:26 am

    I willingly gave up all of that and moved to a small village in a valley and am getting a grip with farming. Haven’t been happier! Dubai was good, but there’s a whole better world out there!

    • Anonymous

      August 28, 2013 at 9:40 am

      I’ve got 5 of them here at my work and all they do is complain. Why are they so miserable, I honestly don’t get. I mean, most of them have barely finished high school and they’re earning salaries similar to doctors and get to live in big villas and drive nice luxury cars. I mean what else do you want? Stop complaining and get on with you lives. I mean if you were so much better off back in your country then what the hell are you doing here?

  11. Anonymous

    August 28, 2013 at 10:54 am

    I think that a few people who have commented above have missed the point that this is a satirical article, that Ian Peterson merely represents the ‘moaning Brit’ – he is not an actual person. Great article, made me chuckle and I am a Brit myself!

  12. Karim

    August 28, 2013 at 11:33 am

    SATIRE PEOPLE. IT’S A JOKE. NOT REAL. NOT. REAL. JOKE. FUNNY. HA HA. NOT NEWS. CALM DOWN. cheers:)

  13. M.

    August 28, 2013 at 6:46 pm

    This is a true story, actually. Happens daily.

  14. muttley

    August 29, 2013 at 9:19 am

    I hate it here too! plan to stay another five years tops!

  15. Anonymous

    August 31, 2013 at 5:41 am

    MAYBE WAS MY WIFE…..NEVER BERN SATISFIED ….

  16. myquest

    August 31, 2013 at 7:36 am

    Well done Ian. As a fellow complainer I will take over your mantle for the next few years. Actually the best bit about this place is that you can complain about some things and it gets fixed.

  17. Me UAE

    September 14, 2013 at 2:28 pm

    Go home or stop complaining. I see people like you everyday and this makes me throw up.

  18. Alan Sunlotion

    September 16, 2013 at 4:01 am

    Oh dear…people do miss the point of this website. Maybe the white expat is still admired most because they are NOT STUPID!

  19. Anonymous

    November 27, 2013 at 4:56 pm

    Once again, thank you stupid people who don’t understand what this site is all about. more entertaining in many ways…

  20. Anonymous

    February 12, 2014 at 4:43 am

    wesa

  21. حسين مطبقاني (@Hessian_Mohd)

    August 28, 2014 at 6:17 am

    BREAKING NEWS…. IAN PETERSON LANDS JOB IN SAUDI ARABIA!

  22. Anonymous

    August 28, 2014 at 10:40 am

    Yes this is the case with white expats with huge salaries but there are also a million other expats with moderate or low salaries that has to deal with all the horribleness.

  23. John Pierre

    September 11, 2014 at 7:52 pm

    i just hate my life being in sharjah and visiting dubai i swear to god when i guardute from the university i will leave whole UAE and not come back again never ever i’m so fucking freaking bored i will go to my country Lebanon or Canada

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