CIA denounces S&M club as “far too lightweight”

BEIRUT: CIA director John Brennan has strong denounced a Beirut-based sadomasochistic club as being “a bunch of lightweights” for its “lenient” spanking and whipping policy.

“Seriously. Where’s the dunking heads in water? The pumping hummous into the rectum? The chaining to the wall and blasting heavy metal? Those are classics that the Beirut Pleasure And Pain Club has blatantly neglected,” he told a press conference yesterday.

Brennan spoke after five Beirut-based CIA officers withdrew their membership from the S&M club, citing “boredom with run-of-the-mill leather whips and straps that fail to spark the imagination”.

“Oh wow, so the club allows you to lightly spank someone with their written consent…hello boring!” said CIA agent Brad Anderson. “I mean, where’s the hanging people upside down, dousing them in freezing water, pumping mushy peas up their your-know-where, locking them in a tiny box and blasting AC-DC into their ears for two hours? Come on people!” he said, while gazing forlornly at an unwrapped electric prod he bought especially for the club.

A US Congressional report this week found that the CIA had used such “enhanced interrogation” techniques on suspected Islamist extremists from across the Middle East, techniques the CIA was hoping to bring to the Beirut S&M scene.

“Frankly, the CIA is disappointed with the attitude of the Beirut Pleasure And Pain Club,” Brennan told the press conference yesterday. “If you can’t electrify someone while subjecting them to 24 hours of Barry Manilow’s greatest hits, while simultaneously hanging them upside down over a tank of piranha, then global freedom is in grave peril,” he warned.

Pleasure And Pain Club spokeswoman, Brenda Frazer, said that members of the beachfront club were glad to see the back of the CIA members.

“Frankly, we were all a bit creeped out,” she said. “And when they opened up that box full of electrical cables, we knew it was time to suspend their membership.”