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Dubai to build world’s biggest mal… oh please no not this again

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Dubai to build world’s biggest mal… oh please no not this again

Development will be part of sprawling temperature-controlled cit… aaaaaaaargh, stop!
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DUBAI, UAE: Shoppers from across the globe will soon be flocking to the emirate of Dubai in even greater numbers following the announcement of Mall of the World, the world’s largest mall and oh please no, I beg of you, not this again.

The 8 million square ft. mall, part of a spectacular 48 million square ft. development, will take the form of an extended retail street network, which developers say will be different to the typical shopping mall concept by having lots and lots of shops and stuff and my head hurts already please put me on the sports desk or something I just can’t do another one of these.

The remarkable [the press release says remarkable so I’m just going to go with that, ok?] project will comprise the biggest indoor theme park in the world, which will be covered by the biggest glass dome in the world that will open in winter months to allow in the biggest man-eating birds in the world that will swoop down and rain destructive hell on shoppers from above. [Subs please check I kind of drifted off towards the end].

Additional districts within the project will include a wellness dedicated zone catering to medical tourists, a cultural celebration district as well as a I’m sure we’ve already written about something like this a thousand times already in fact can’t we just cut and paste from the last one I think we churned out last week?

The project will see the addition of 100 hotels because Dubai definitely hasn’t got enough of those as well as a designated parking area with enough capacity to ensure the surrounding roads are permanently blocked up with traffic.

Once completed, the city is projected to become a year-round destination, welcoming around 180 million visitors annually and are you for real that’s the entire population of Pakistan, or nine f***ing Beijings for that matter.

Sod it, let’s push the boat out a bit further then, shall we? Ok, here goes. Once completed, the city is projected to become a more popular tourist attraction than the Eiffel Tower, Statue of Liberty, Times Square, Niagara Falls, Forbidden City, Grand Bazaar, Great Wall of China, Sydney Opera House and, I dunno, Japan, combined, welcoming around 11.4 billion visitors, including 3.4 billion residents of Tau Ceti e, an unconfirmed planet located 11.9 light-years away, who will have been enticed across the solar system by its consumerist glow, annually. How do you like them apples?

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11 Comments

11 Comments

  1. Kyle Flanagan

    July 6, 2014 at 4:12 pm

    How do you like them apples?

    Disappointed, I am. I was hoping for at least a ‘Mall of the Universe’ or ‘Mall of the Galaxies’. Maybe, that’s next on their cards, now that the ‘mine’s bigger than yours’ is game on.

    Reply

  2. Resident of Tau Ceti f

    July 6, 2014 at 5:39 pm

    Earthling underestimated potential. Man-eating birds a delicacy.

    Reply

  3. Omar

    July 6, 2014 at 6:51 pm

    Mock all you want but these guys have run predictive analysis for the rate at which obesity had run amok a hundred years ago in the middle east and this mall is just a product of good foresight to let in at least a couple thousand wads of the fattest people in the world. Rumour has it they will be choppered to the mall, dropped through the open domes, their indigenous ‘cushioning’ will ensure they don’t feel the impact of the fall, and let them roll around! Brilliant!

    Reply

  4. Friends of the Earth

    July 7, 2014 at 6:45 am

    This is inline with Dubai’s sustainable and green strategy. Green because there will be more landscaping, trees etc. Sustainable because it will sustain the building industry and increase fortunes, sustain the gas industry to desalinate even more water and produce more power for all the AC. The only downside is the pollution and environmental impact but what the hay!

    Reply

  5. Jerri

    July 7, 2014 at 7:01 am

    Because Dubai has a shortage of shopping malls…..

    Reply

  6. arad

    July 7, 2014 at 9:50 am

    i cant help but feel pity for the Italian Guy who got lost in Dubai Mall for afew months. he is going to hate this new mall for sure…;)

    Reply

  7. Anonymous

    July 8, 2014 at 5:12 am

    Is this the one that is going to connect MOE to the Dubai Mall?

    Reply

  8. Alan Sunlotion

    July 8, 2014 at 9:01 am

    No its the one that’s going to connect Dubai to Abu Dhabi. Only then will the need for excess and complete self satisfaction be appeased!

    Reply

  9. Emmar Omar

    July 9, 2014 at 11:55 am

    Awesome, another 500 generic shops full of s*1t to choose from under 1 roof. Its going to be such a world beating tourist attraction I cant begin to express my excitement. We best get onto our banks and increase our credit limits in anticipation of the opening day just so we can all apprecaite in the novelty of SHOPPING ALL YEAR ROUND?!

    Reply

  10. Mall Rat - Foursquare level 13

    July 16, 2014 at 9:43 am

    You never believed in the starbucks model for the malls. As you come out of one mall, hey, there’s another mall across the road!!

    Reply

  11. Blargh

    September 5, 2014 at 8:33 am

    Not as funny as your other articles and frankly not a satirical article, more like subdued critique. Get back to doing what you were doing best and writing articles that people publish on their facebook pages saying “omg I can’t believe this is happening.”

    Reply

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