Dubai resident Mahmoud ‘Loadza’ Mullah has long considered himself to be among the country’s wealthiest, and was taken aback when he was, once again, snubbed by the Forbes judging committee.
“It’s outrageous,” said the 28-year-old inheritee while seated on the bonnet of a lemon-coloured Maserati and wearing a bejewelled suit. “Every year, I do as much as I can to demonstrate my obscene wealth and every year they ignore me. I must be worth, what, $50 billion at least.”
Mr Mullah, often seen taking up two lanes of traffic with a convoy of monster trucks and bespoke Porsches, each filled with Siberian white tigers, said that over the past 12 month he had really pulled out the stops to ostentatiously brandish his bank balance whenever possible.
“I built my own private airport, which is haemorrhaging cash like there’s no tomorrow, and purchased, on average, a new hotel every five weeks,” he said.
“Every morning I eat lobster, stuffed with foie gras served on a bed of wagyu beef. It’s absolutely disgusting, of course, and I’m normally sick straight after. But these are the lengths one has to go to.”
Mullah has now decided that next year he will breach all barriers of taste to get on the list.
“I’ve just unveiled plans to build the world’s biggest billboard. It’s going to be visible from space, draped over the Gulf and will have my diamond-encrusted face plastered on it permanently,” he said.
“And if I don’t get on next year’s Forbes billionaire’s list, I don’t know what I’ll do. Come on, even Bill Gates or that Buffett guy don’t have a private Gucci helicopter with an interior lined with panda fur like mine.”