Iran denies Eurovision development programme

TEHRAN: Israel has issued a stark warning to the international community that Iran is on the verge of developing novelty pop acts that will be ready for deployment at this weekend’s Eurovision Song Contest.

The detailed claims, which were unveiled this morning to the UN by Israeli Defence Minister Ehud Barak, are focused on a high-security rehearsal facility south-east of Tehran, where intelligence sources claim to have found evidence of gold hotpants, giant inflatable stage props, and dance routines.

Reports that investigators had also found a discarded lyric sheet for a song entitled “You’re a Cutey (Slap My Booty)” could not be confirmed.

Despite immediate condemnation from UN representatives, the International Pop Watchdog and Terry Wogan, Iranian officials were quick to maintain that their high-camp music enrichment program was for civilian use only.

“Reports that we are arranging a high-energy song n’ dance number for Eurovision use are pure fantasy, concocted by warmongering Israeli politicians,” said an Iranian government choreographer.

But Israel stood by its allegations, and claimed direct military action could be taken against the rehearsal facilities with or without UN support.

“The Iranian Eurovision threat is real and palpable,” said Israeli Eurovision Inspector Moisha Twinkletoes. “The world mustn’t be fooled into compromise and must strike now to prevent an Iranian pop assault on Saturday’s competition, or it could be a genuine case of Boom Bang-a-Bang.

“And I don’t mean Lulu’s much-loved 1969 Eurovision entry of the same name,” he added.