Iranians hoping sanctions lift will finally reveal who shot J.R.

There were scenes of wild joy and hysteria across Iran yesterday after news that a historic nuclear deal would see the lifting of sanctions put in place since 1979 and allow the country to finally discover the who shot J.R. Ewing in the fourth season of Dallas.

“I’ve been waiting for over 35 years for closure, I can’t believe I’ll actually find out if it was Sue Ewing, Kristen Shepard or maybe even Cliff Barnes and put this thing to bed,” exclaimed 49-year-old Reza Dharwish.

Elsewhere, there was rejoicing over the impending availability of the final four seasons of Happy Days.

“Can you imagine that all this time I haven’t seen the complete story arcs for the Fonz or Joanie? This is a great day for Iran indeed,” said Sussan Mouri, 54.