Jesus Christ to bring forward Second Coming in order to “sort this Middle East s*** out once and for all”

THE HEAVENS: Expressing his desire to finally put an end to the ongoing crisis in the Holy Land, Jesus Christ this morning revealed that he was planning to bring forward his much-touted Second Coming to the region.

“I mean, the original dates weren’t for some time and moving them is going to play merry hell with my scheduling, not to mention cost me a fortune in travel rearrangements,” the Messiah told CNN in a phone interview. “But I just figured what with everything going on right now it was time to sort this Middle East s*** out once and for all.”

Aside from visiting with the aim of solving the Israel/Palestine crisis, Christ said he was also looking forward to visiting his “old stomping grounds” of Nazareth and Galilee, and might even stop by Jerusalem and Bethlehem.

“I just hope I’m not left hanging for hours at the checkpoint, you know what those b*******s can be like,” he said.

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5 Responses to Jesus Christ to bring forward Second Coming in order to “sort this Middle East s*** out once and for all”

  1. Anonymous July 20, 2014 at 11:43 am

    He might want to stop by Beirut and mek some barty.

  2. Eric Idle - world Pension-top-up Tour July 20, 2014 at 11:53 am

    Imposter! The Messiah is called Brian!
    (and he’s a very naughty boy!)

  3. Michael Palin - World Pension Tour to supplement curious travels July 21, 2014 at 12:12 pm

    Yes,that’ll sort it!

    Brian: Excuse me. Are you the Judean People’s Front?

    Reg: Fack off! ‘Judean People’s Front’. We’re the People’s Front of Judea! ‘Judean People’s Front’.

    Francis: W@nkers.


  4. Anonymous July 24, 2014 at 1:28 pm

    I think the Dubai Aiport is reporting it will be used as a regional hub.

  5. God (the Father) July 27, 2014 at 2:33 pm

    To avoid any unpleasant misunderstandings let Me make it entirely clear that My boy isn’t going anywhere near those lunatics. If there’s going to be any Second Coming it’ll be somewhere where he will be appreciated and treated a MeDamn sight better than the last time I sent him down. South America or Italy look nice in the brochures.


Speak your brains


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