Jesus Christ to bring forward Second Coming in order to “sort this Middle East s*** out once and for all”
THE HEAVENS: Expressing his desire to finally put an end to the ongoing crisis in the Holy Land, Jesus Christ this morning revealed that he was planning to bring forward his much-touted Second Coming to the region.
“I mean, the original dates weren’t for some time and moving them is going to play merry hell with my scheduling, not to mention cost me a fortune in travel rearrangements,” the Messiah told CNN in a phone interview. “But I just figured what with everything going on right now it was time to sort this Middle East s*** out once and for all.”
Aside from visiting with the aim of solving the Israel/Palestine crisis, Christ said he was also looking forward to visiting his “old stomping grounds” of Nazareth and Galilee, and might even stop by Jerusalem and Bethlehem.
“I just hope I’m not left hanging for hours at the checkpoint, you know what those b*******s can be like,” he said.