Obama defends drone attacks on al-Qaeda’s ‘Admin of Evil’
The continued bombardment of open-plan cave offices in Pakistan northern region of Waziristan by unmanned aerial vehicles had, according the increasingly frazzled-looking US president, managed to “significantly diminish the organisation’s data entry and intern capabilities”.
Speaking to journalists at the White House, Obama said that such strikes were vital to reducing al-Qaeda’s international threat.
“Like any other large organisation, al-Qaeda relies on the little guy,” he said. “Sure, we might have taken out their number two, but we’re also interested in their number 42, their number 362 and number 2,396, who are all vital cogs in this terrible machine of terror.”
The US secretary of defence, Leon Pancetta, added further intelligence data on the effects of recent drone attacks.
“al-Qaeda use a complex intern militia who have up to 90wpm typing. To the West, that means 90s words of terror a minute that we’ve managed to bring down to at least 50-60 words.” Pancetta claimed that remote-controlled air strikes had “successfully disabled al-Qaeda’s Outlook and iCal facilities, sending deadly meeting schedules into chaos,” and added that their next target would be the Human Resources department.
“Just think, no HR means no dedicated means of dealing with annual leave, health insurance and, most importantly, recruiting new employees.”
However, Pakistani authorities assert that the drone strikes contravene international office regulations, and have demanded a formal Reply To All apology from the US.
According to a source in Islamabad, the main source of concern was reports that several hellfire missile hits had been pinpointing al-Qaeda’s tea-making facilities. “They’re down to just UHT milk, it’s barbaric.”