People of the Middle East,
It has been brought to my attention in recent days that, due to a typographical error, I need to clarify remarks I made about the US withdrawal from Iraq.
When I told cheering US troops in 2011 that we were leaving behind “a sovereign, stable and self-reliant Iraq”, I, of course, meant “a post-apocalyptic nightmare populated by roaming gangs of Al-Qaeda loving religious fanatics who hate America only slightly more than they hate each other.”
Furthermore, when I said that Iraq was proudly entering “a new dawn”, I meant “a new dawn of mindless, ever-fracturing civil war that will make Vietnam look like a kindergarten bun fight.”
I am glad to clarify those remarks. I have consulted with resigning White House spokesman, Jay Carney, and we both agree that the error was caused by the spell check on Windows 8.
Like, Hello Bill Gates! Not everyone has a touchscreen tablet. Some of us folks still like laptops and are tired of the screen jumping every time we touch the mouse. Windows 8 sucks, everyone says so.
Don’t just switch everything in Windows around just because tablets are suddenly so trendy.
So let me further clarify some of my comments.
When I praised “the professionalism of the training of Iraqi security forces… and in handing over responsibility to the Iraqis, you preserved the gains of the last four years and made this day possible”, I of course meant that we were handing over the country to “spineless wimps in ill-fitting uniforms trying to find reverse on US tanks with our only glimmer of hope being an alliance with our arch-enemies, the even more fanatical, Iran.”
I am very happy to clarify these comments. Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer, seriously, you guys owe me a round of golf for that one!
Now I’m off to hear the first lady try to convince America kids to lose some weight. And you thought the mission in Iraq was difficult.
God Bless America and God Bless the God-forsaken people of an ever-crumbling, doomed Middle Eastern nation whose name will never, ever be mentioned in the White House again.