Syria only ‘weeks away’ from Bono charity single, warns UN

As the world continues to reel from the latest harrowing revelations from Syria’s ongoing civil war, a fresh terror is now driving urgent efforts to find a lasting solution: the news U2 frontman Bono has ‘taken to the studio’ with the aim of producing a stirring ballad to highlight the suffering.

According to a UN report published this morning, Syria is now “just weeks away from a Bono charity single”, and opposing sides must “act with immediacy to prevent further unimaginable suffering”.

“The mere thought of [Bono] looking earnestly into the camera, pulling a pained expression and rhyming something with Aleppo should be enough to bring President Assad to the negotiations table immediately,” said UN secretary general Ban Ki Moon in a statement. “We desperately urge all parties to lay down their arms and work towards a viable peace plan to ensure whatever he’s recording never sees the light of day.”

Refugee camps across Lebanon have been put on high alert for the arrival of Bono, Bob Geldof and “probably Chris Martin” following rumours of a music video that will see them “crouching on a muddy floor while surrounded by smiling children in ragged clothes”.

20 Responses to Syria only ‘weeks away’ from Bono charity single, warns UN

  1. Rade January 25, 2014 at 4:41 pm

    Is this a joke or satire?

    Reply
    • Jacques Strappe January 26, 2014 at 9:19 pm

      it’s the hummous of satire over the flatbread of news.

      while you sir, are the cheese of inattention over the pizza of detail.

      Reply
  2. eoc January 25, 2014 at 9:00 pm

    I don’t think it requires much imagination to work out what it is if you look at the rest of teh articles linked here!

    Reply
  3. furnace January 25, 2014 at 9:21 pm

    Since you had to ask, t’s neither;)

    Reply
  4. 5D January 25, 2014 at 10:35 pm

    Rade: It’s a danger to you and your family to NOT take this seriously…

    Reply
  5. Anonymous January 26, 2014 at 5:24 am

    lame

    Reply
  6. Edge's beanie hat January 26, 2014 at 7:36 am

    At a concert in Glasgow a few years back, the music has stopped and Bono starts slow clapping. After a few seconds he says ‘every time I clap my hands a child in Africa dies of starvation’.

    Quick as a fox, someone in the crowd shouts ‘stop clapping your f**king hands then!!!’

    Quality

    Reply
    • Anonymous January 26, 2014 at 10:13 pm

      That the funniest thing I’ve heard all day!!!! hahahahahahahah

      Reply
    • Chalk Farm January 26, 2014 at 11:03 pm

      Amusing story, but alas not true. Debunked here:
      http://www.snopes.com/music/artists/bono.asp

      Reply
    • Judge_D January 27, 2014 at 8:39 am

      Except that’s simply a rehash of a 2005 Jimmy Carr joke and didn’t actually happen. Versions of the same joke have also included Hilary Clinton, Barack Obama and others. So not quite the quality that gullible people (unable to grasp how to use Google) think it is.

      Reply
      • Anonymous January 27, 2014 at 1:57 pm

        Your full of yourself arnt you get off your pedestal it’s only made of thin materials bit like your arrogance thin and week

        Reply
        • Tricia L January 27, 2014 at 7:41 pm

          Try using punctuation and correct spelling of words. Perhaps then people might know what in blue blazes you are saying.

          Reply
      • Edge's beanie hat February 3, 2014 at 11:38 am

        Dammit, I know I should have used a 2004 Jimmy Carr joke. Using a 2005 joke was a real schoolboy error

        Why do gullible people not know how to use Google?

        Reply
  7. Ali. January 26, 2014 at 1:03 pm

    Daily Mash ripoff? See: “Billy Bragg, warn economists” from 5 years ago

    Reply
    • Jacques Strappe January 26, 2014 at 9:22 pm

      Daily What … never heard of it

      Reply
  8. Jim Gladwin January 27, 2014 at 12:09 am

    You have to hand it to Bono. He has lasted longer than most other unctuous, opportunist politico/celebs …

    Reply
  9. Jo Qatana (@joqatana) January 28, 2014 at 1:36 am

    Does nobody understand the word “SATIRE”? It’s RIGHT IN THE MASTHEAD FOR THIS SITE. In several places.

    Reply
  10. Lu Ruello January 28, 2014 at 4:31 am

    Tell Bono not to bother. PENTULTIMA have released their single, Lay Down Your Arms.

    Reply
  11. J-P January 29, 2014 at 11:13 pm

    Whats the difference between God and Bono?
    Answer – God doesn’t walk around Dublin all the time pretending he is Bono.

    Reply
  12. Alan Sunlotion January 30, 2014 at 1:23 pm

    Has Mr Anonymous (above) just come from the pub???

    Reply

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