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The Pan-Arabia Enquirer “not offensive enough” say disappointed jihadists

ISIS suicide squad leader bemoans lack of blasphemy on website

Published on January 10, 2015

7 Comments

MOSUL, IRAQ: “Bitterly letdown” jihadist Ahmed Al Kuwaiti has angrily denounced popular Middle East website, The Pan-Arabia Enquirer, as “not even worth a minor suicide bombing”.

Al Kuwaiti, a carpet cleaner and ISIS suicide squad leader, said it would be a “major career booster” is he sent in a team of martyrs to shoot anyone connected with the The Pan-Arabia Enquirer and then blow themselves up in a scene of devastating carnage and nihilistic destruction.

“But then I read the thing and I was like: ‘Hello, I don’t think so’. I mean, we had budget approval for this atrocity for the second quarter but after reviewing the PAE website, I’m not going to waste $100,000 and a dozen of our best men on this thing,” he said.

“No self-respecting jihadist is going to get out of bed to bomb these people. The website is all making fun of expats and obesity and stuff. Where’s the blasphemy? Where’s the insulting the Prophet? Oh so there’s a lot of malls in the Gulf and expats drink too much. Tell us something we don’t know. Frankly, I feel let down,” he told a press conference in Mosul yesterday.

Al Kuwaiti called on the The Pan-Arabia Enquirer’s editors to include “at least a few drawings of the Prophet, otherwise we’re not interested,” adding the his team would review their position in six months time. “But, for now, I’m bitterly disappointed.”

Al Kuwaiti later watched an American porn site alone in his room for an hour before ordering the death of Shias for “straying from the true path of righteousness”.

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7 Comments

CFO

January 11, 2015 at 9:16 am

sounds like they over budgeted at $100K, much less a dozen men for the project.

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Willie

January 11, 2015 at 3:10 pm

Just as well that they decided not to blow up over this website. They are running out of virgins for their martyrs.

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zen deek

January 11, 2015 at 4:40 pm

I’m sure he was reviewing Mia Khalifa’s performance, to see if she’s elligible for a head chopping death sentence.

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frank

January 11, 2015 at 6:38 pm

really Garrett from The Office? What’s the budget then? Could the territorial army do it?

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muhannad

January 12, 2015 at 12:28 pm

Hahaha, i can see ahmed al kwaiti as i am reading this article. Its awesome.

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alopex

January 25, 2015 at 7:14 am

I can ornament the comments with some blasphemy to make Al Kuwaiti happy.

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Ewan Hughes-Army

February 21, 2015 at 1:40 am

A thousand blessings upon you, Pan Arabian Enquirer!
Your zest and sublime good humour are balm to the soul of anyone who has ever lived in or visited Dubai.
How lovely are your gags?
How moronic are so many of the responses from the world’s knuckle-draggers?
In a sorely-troubled world, you are truly beacons of enlightenment.
Keep it up, forever!

Ewan?

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